Slinky Uses Its “Slinkitiness” to Seduce Generations of Kids

You remember the jingle. It’s so deeply embedded in your brain there’s no forgetting it. The sinister minds at Slinky Co. targeted us in our weakest moment: Saturday mornings curled up on the couch, still in our PJs, munching Lucky Charms. They showed us images of the helical madness along with the song that duped generations of kids into believing the slinky was a “wonderful toy.” Then they played it over. And over. And over again.

“What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?
A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing! Everyone knows it’s Slinky.
It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky. For fun it’s a wonderful toy.
It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky. It’s fun for a girl or a boy.
It’s fun for a girl or boy!”

A “slinkity sound”? I should’ve yanked the covers over my head! But no, instead, I was mesmerized like millions of other mushy minded kids. It walks down stairs? Whoa. What else can Slinky do? I’ll answer that: nothing. The Slinky walks down stairs and…that’s it. It isn’t a “wonderful toy” as the jingle promises. It’s a one-trick pony that’s been blowing smoke up our collective asses for half a century. And this isn’t just an opinion, it’s a fact.

According to a 30-year study conducted by POOP (Parents Opposed to Objectionable Promotions), the average time a kid would spend playing with a Slinky was one minute, thirty-seven seconds. That’s right, a minute and a half. At that point, the child would lose interest or the Slinky would tangle into a mess of metal that no one, not even Houdini, could fix.

The nefarious leaders at the evil Slinky empire knew this long ago. But they didn’t care. They had us right where they wanted us so what did they do? They made more Slinkys! First there was Slinky Dog. Then there was the Slinky train Loco and the Slinky worm Suzie. Finally, there was the coup de grace, the Slinky Crazy Eyes – a pair of glasses that uses Slinkys over the eyes attached to plastic eyeballs. It was apparent these masters of manipulation would stop at nothing.

Why couldn’t Slinky have been more like Simon? Or a yo-yo? Or a pet rock? A REAL toy that made us faster, smarter and better. Instead, Slinky had all of us playing on stairs. I can’t help but wonder how many kids beat the Slinky down the stairs by tumbling head over heels all the way to the bottom. And out of those kids, I wonder how many were left unable to walk ever again, ironically, because of a metal piece of junk that…walks. I bet it’s a staggering number. Or not. Either way, to Richard James, Slinky’s inventor, I say: you should be ashamed of yourself, mister. I demand a public apology! Or, if that’s too much to ask, at least a replacement for my tangled Slinky. Thanks.

If your memory of the commercial that damaged us all is foggy and you want to see it again, view at your own risk. It’s possibly one of the most powerful and hypnotic commercials ever created. It isn’t for the weak-minded. Kids, beware. Please, turn away. Only you can stop the “slinkitiness”!

The 800-Pound Gorilla in the Room Sheds 200 Pounds In Hopes of Easing Social Awkwardness

You know he’s there. Everyone knows he’s there. He’s the 800-pound gorilla in the room! But nobody ever acknowledges him. It’s just…plain…awkward. And that is why this social third wheel has undergone a physical transformation nearly as massive as he is, losing 200 pounds in six short months. In a rare sit-down, I chatted with the beast in a small bistro where, moments later, two couples who appear to be acquaintances have unexpectedly bumped into one another and decided to dine together at an adjacent table.

DG: Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. I know you usually just sit quietly by.

8PG: No, really, thank you for acknowledging me.

DG: (Whispering) So what’s the story over here (discreetly nodding in the direction of the couples)?

8PG: (Whispering) Neighbors. But the guy with the dark hair has gotten romantically involved with the other guy’s wife. The spouses are suspicious and have even talked openly about it.

DG: Oooh, that’s not good.

8PG: Nope. They’re all pretty uncomfortable.

DG: So do they know you’re in the room right now?

8PG: Oh yeah, they know I’m here.

DG: How can you tell?

8PG: Notice how the guy keeps fidgeting with his silverware? And she has that telling nervous smile. I don’t condone anything here but I do hope it’s a little less awkward than it used to be, now that I’ve significantly reduced my physical size.

DG: Oh yeah, you’re now the 600-pound gorilla in the room! Congratulations!

6PG: Thanks. I feel better than I have in years.

DG: So how did you do it? Exercise? Diet?

6PG: P90x. It’s unbelievable! Everything you’ve heard about it is true.

DG: I’ve heard it’s a beast!

6PG: I’M a beast! (Lightly howls and briefly pounds his chest, attracting the attention of the neighbors, who quickly glance but then continue their uncomfortable lunch.) Seriously though, I love the Yoga x. I’m more flexible than I’ve ever been. (Reaches over his left shoulder with his gangly right arm and feverishly scratches his lower back.)

DG: So has the weight loss diminished the awkwardness of situations like this at all?

6PG: It’s hard to tell really but I have seen a small decline in brow sweating and repeat water sipping. At the end of the day though, it’s about me feeling better about myself and I feel terrific! (Grabs a twig from his plate and nibbles on the leaves and berries.)

DG: Okay, I have to ask you one question just out of sheer curiosity.

6PG: (Tossing some berries into his mouth) Shoot!

DG: What happened to the elephant in the room? When did he lose his gig to you?

6PG: Listen, our job is to just BE in the room. Nothing more. When the elephant started shitting, dropping dung right there where he stood, he changed the whole awkwardness dynamic. So he was out and I was in. You just can’t do that in social situations. Elephants just aren’t as evolved as we are. (Picks a flea off his chest and pops it into his mouth.)

DG: Fleas part of the diet?

6PG: A gorilla needs his protein, right? (Shouting erupts from the table of neighbors; the husband of the cheating woman stands and storms out.) Oh boy, here we go!

DG: Is that your cue?

6PG: Not just yet. Wait for it…(The cheating wife stands, then races out after her husband.) And there it is. Alright, I’m outta here. On to the next gig.

DG: Hey, thanks for doing this. I’ll see you tomorrow night.

6PG: Oh yeah?

DG: Dinner with the ex and her fiancée to discuss alimony.

6PG: Ha! I’ll be there!

DG: Oh, I know you will be.

Update: Bigfoot Still at Large and Not Pooping

The hunt officially began in 1967 with the emergence of the grainy Patterson-Gimlin video of an apelike creature walking upright along Northern California’s Bluff Creek. Sure, it could have been a man in a monkey suit. But it’s far more interesting to imagine that it was something else entirely. And that is exactly what we’ve done.

In the last forty-plus years since, Bigfoot has elusively stomped around our forests, our backyards, and our subculture, snapping a few twigs along the way but never, ever taking a shit. How could  a beast so large leave so few clues? It’s almost as if…it…isn’t…there…at…all.

Well, in 2011, Bigfoot may have taken its biggest step yet, onto national (international, even) television with the show Finding Bigfoot, which airs on Animal Planet. This show follows a bold team of four researchers (three are Bigfoot believers; one is a science-minded skeptic) who spend hours at a time in some of the “squachiest” places you’ve ever imagined. Armed with parabolic mics, thermal detection devices, night vision and an arsenal of howls they’ve perfected over the years, these hunters are determined to find Bigfoot.

Unfortunately, we’re a season and a half in and – I hate to spoil it for you – they haven’t found Bigfoot yet. YET! I know, I can’t believe it, either! It seems they’re always one ginormous step behind it. Damn! What’s even more disappointing is the team hasn’t discovered any stanky, matted hair, no bones, not even one pile of reeking Bigfoot dung.

We can’t lose faith, though. Bigfoot IS out there. It’s real! We all saw the grainy, inconclusive video! So what can we do to catch up with this slippery beast? I have just the solution.

(First of all, Bobo, Ranae, you know I love you both. Especially you, Bobo! One of the greatest characters to land on TV since Cosmo Kramer! Cliff, I’d love to have a beer with you. And Matt,  leave Ranae alone!)

What our team doesn’t need is more equipment. It’s apparent by now that Bigfoot is one step ahead of us in the technology department as well. Its highly advanced technology enables it to avoid ours. It’s one smart ape-man-wookie! No, what our team needs is a little help from their Animal Planet neighbors over at Hillbilly Handfishin’. Think about it: these good ol’ boys catch monster catfish with their hands and feet! If I were Bigfoot, I would turn myself in right now or face a serious noodlin’!

Okay, NOW we have the Finding Bigfoot dream team. Animal Planet, make it happen! But do it fast. I’m sure Bigfoot is going to read this blog eventually and we’ll be back to square one with Matt questioning Ranae’s tracking ability. (Matt, leave Ranae alone!)

Be Right More Often in 2012

According to an extremely reliable source – your significant other – you are right about 33% of the time. Not bad. Especially considering you are funny only about 10% of the time, again according to your plus-one. This is the year to aim higher. While I can’t help you find the funny gene if you weren’t born with it, I can help you to be right more often. Well, some of my more intelligent friends, whom I’ve polled for this piece, can help you. This is what they said.

Shut Up! – Basic statistics here. If you are currently right 33% of the time and you’re out there yammering away to everyone about anything and everything, think about how your accuracy percentage will jump if you just shut your trap every once in a while. Don’t have that much self-control? Fine. Get a filter. (I’m sure they’re available aftermarket online somewhere.) That way you can at least listen to the other person, think about what they’re saying and construct an intelligent response. And keep it short! The more you ramble, the more likely you are to get it wrong. I know, sounds like a lot of work. Being right requires a little effort. Begin wrong and stupid, not so much.

Use Weasel Words – They can’t say you’re wrong if you carefully sprinkle in words like, “one of”, “among” and “virtually.” These are called weasel words and they are incredibly forgiving. While your audience can accuse you of being an idiot, they will not be able to say you’re wrong. If you aren’t wrong, you’re obviously right. And therein lies the power of the weasel word.

Be Less Specific – Details will kill ya, brother! Make assertions with broad statements. Avoid names, numbers, places, anything specific. Remember how you use to talk to your parents in high school? Like that. Ambiguity is your best friend. They can’t accuse you of being wrong if you haven’t really said anything to begin with. Am I right?

Three sure-fire ways to being right more often in the year ahead. Of course, you could read more to fill your brain with fresh-plucked knowledge. And you could do crosswords and trivia to awaken the neurons you’ve lulled to a deep sleep over the last decade. But that isn’t quite as fun, now is it? Who wants to be right by having their facts straight? Sounds pompous to me. Stick to these three rules and you’ll be on the “right” track for 2012. Now get out there and show the world how brilliant you are!

Angry Birds and Other Gaming Apps Adding ‘File for Divorce’ Option

In an unprecedented move, makers of some of today’s most popular smart phone gaming apps have decided to incorporate the option to ‘File for Divorce’ into their games. The announcement offended religious organizations but came as little surprise to most users.

Colleen from New York put it this way: “I love my birds. I really do. Two minutes with them is far more satisfying than HE ever was!”

When asked about the decision, a popular developer who wished to remain anonymous was equally as blunt. “Our goal is simple…to strengthen the bond between our games and our users. Unfortunately, there’s only room for two in this relationship.”

Churches and other organizations gathered outside the corporate offices of the top two game makers, picketing against the decision and in support of marriage. One sign read, “A marriage is between a man and a woman…not a man and an angry bird!” Another posited: “Divorce is NOT a game!” And yet another pleaded: “Love your spouse! Not your phone!”

“First, I noticed he was spending more time Hanging with Friends,” explains Mary from Oregon, fighting back tears. “Then it was Instagram, Scramble and, finally, Angry Birds. Even though he was in the same room with me and the kids, he wasn’t. He’s been gone a long, long time.”

Rumors abound that the game makers are considering adding other potentially controversial features as well, such as ‘File for Unemployment,’ ‘File for Bankruptcy’ and ‘Arrange Pet Burial.’

“Hey, life’s a game, right?” cracked one high-level executive connected to the decision. “Listen, our games have always given players the option to quit. Now, we’re just giving them the option to quit other things and keep playing. It’s all about commitment.”

The True Meaning of Thanksgiving Lost at Kids’ Table

Every fall, kids are taught that Thanksgiving is about coming together and giving thanks. Then Thanksgiving Day arrives and they are summarily banished to the kids’ table. A less stable, 1/100th scale version of an actual table, placed off in a dark corner…out of the way, you know.

The youngest children have no problem with their seating assignments. The table is perfectly sized for them. Besides, they haven’t learned about class warfare or discrimination yet. (Probably because they’ve been too busy creating turkeys from outlines of their own hands!) It’s only the older kids who have been eyeballing the adult table. Praying for uncle Barry to kick it. Or maybe for aunt Sheila to fall off the wagon and out of favor with the family again. Whatever it takes to get called up to the bigs.

It probably comes as no surprise that it’s hard to grasp the whole concept of togetherness when you’re wedged at a miniature table in a dark corner, away from the rest of the family. I know all too well as I held a spot at that very table for years. My knees have permanent damage from squatting so low for so long. But it’s the emotional toll that has really lingered.

I can’t help but wonder has there always been a kids’ table? Did the Pilgrims have a li’l Pilgrim table? Or is this a recent phenomena? Does the problem speak to the world’s population problem? Or our inability to cull the invite list down to the select few we really want to spend the holiday with?

Regardless of the reasons that led us here, I implore you to stop making our children the real turkeys at Thanksgiving! Instead, scoot your ass over and make room. Small Americans deserve a front row seat at Thanksgiving, too! A seat with legs that don’t buckle. At a table that doesn’t shift from one side to the other, then back again. I know it’s become a tradition within itself. But it’s time to start a new tradition where everyone sits together as one.

Not buying any of this? Fine. Then I have just one question (yes, Jill, I’m looking at you): can I at least have a seat at the big table next year? Please?? Hayden smells like poop!

Blog Surfer Laughs at Off-Color Hawking Post Then Decries Piece

Earlier today, a blog surfer landed on a near-humorous post about Stephen Hawking, world-renowned astrophysicist, in this very blog. The reader chuckled at various points throughout the story, seemingly in appreciation of the off-color and, at times, low brow humor. Upon completion of the story, however, the reader did a PC about-face and chided the blogger for “making fun of people with ALS.” ALS, known more commonly as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, has left the astrophysicist without the use of his arms and legs.

The writer was reluctant to respond as it would be a clear violation of his “I don’t give a shit what other people think” policy. However, after much consideration, he decided to set the record straight. The writer’s response: “I wasn’t making fun of people with ALS, I was making fun of people who use voice synthesizers and talk funny! AZZZ-HOOLLLLEEEE!”

Stephen Hawking was possibly contacted about his thoughts on the piece but had no comment, citing weak batteries. The writer had no further comments either. So don’t ask.

Stephen Hawking, Missing Since Passing of “Azz-Ter-Roid”, Found in Pothole

Cambridge, UK – While most of the world was uneasy at the news of an asteroid on track to buzz the earth, Stephen Hawking, one of the world’s most celebrated astrophysicists, was incredibly excited. His arms and legs were unusually twitchy with anticipation, according to peers. In a strange turn of events, Mr. Hawking went missing following the passing of the space rock. Theories abounded.

“If anyone could have figured out a way to latch onto that sucker and take it for a galactic spin, it was Stephen,” insisted a friend who looked to be the nerdy, fully functioning equivalent of Hawking. “If there was open handicap parking, he would’ve been there!”

“I assume he just wheeled his way right up to hog heaven after this once-in-a-lifetime event,” joked a colleague, apparently not-at-all disturbed by the man’s disappearance.

Others outside of the scientific community speculated that perhaps he had been called home by his alien masters. Or that he was in a bunker. Turns out, he was in none of those places. In fact, he was a mere quarter kilometer from his building on campus at Cambridge University. In a pothole. In a limp human pile. The wheels on his wheelchair twirling.

“I wondered what that electronic hum was,” explained a colleague. “I had no idea it was Stephen calling for help.”

After several British men were unable to lift Hawking to an upright position, an Irish woman stepped up and threw Hawking over one shoulder and steadied him with one hand, yanked his chair to an upright position with the other, then tossed him in.

“Thaaaaannnnkkkk-yyyooooouuuu!” Hawking screeched. The astrophysicist then did a 180 and whirred off. Just as he was cresting a small rise in the sidewalk, his mechanical voice could be heard saying, “I-cannnnot-bee-lieeeve-i-mizzed-the-whole-damn-thing! Daaammmiittt!” And with that, he disappeared to his own little corner of the universe.

Cat Snubs Man’s Leg in Favor of Couch

Mobile, AL – Just after 10am this morning, Skeeter, a 15 lb, bi-color black and white cat gave every indication he intended to rub up against Mark’s leg. Instead, he gave a head fake and darted toward the couch.

Mark, a friend of the pet’s owner, couldn’t believe it. “We made eye contact! In the animal kingdom, that’s as good as a contract!” he insisted. “The cat lowered his head and was moving in my direction when he shake and baked me. I was shake and baked by an effing cat! Next thing I know he was at the couch rubbing up against the side of it and purring and all.”

At the time of this story, Skeeter was asleep on said couch and not available for comment. His owner, however, did offer a few words in the feline’s defense. “My name is Craig. Skeeter is my pet. I can tell you he didn’t mean anything by that. He gets a little squirrely when you look him in the eye. That’s all. I was impressed at his speed though. Haven’t seen him move that fast in years; froze Mark cold in his tracks. Classic!”

“I offer up my leg to a dog and he’s all over it!” exclaimed Mark. “Next time, I just won’t offer up my leg so quickly. I’ll make him work for it! Getting a little leg from Mark just got a little more difficult!”

Now, for some funny cat videos from YouTube.

I Watch The Sing-Off: A Confession.

Over the years, I’ve made some questionable decisions and engaged in some questionable activities. Without going into detail, the short list includes: Air Supply, parachute pants, tanning beds, the Flowbee, lipstick, New Orleans, my friend’s dog, Miami Vice (the drink) and…well you get the idea. Today, I’m adding the reality show The Sing-Off to this list. My hope is that by the end of this post, however, you will kindly allow me to remove it and maintain any small shred of dignity the 80′s may have left behind.

So, yes I watch The Sing-Off. There, I’ve said it. (Honestly, you can’t be blindsided by this information if you’ve read the rest of my posts, lol.) If you’ve never heard of it, it is a singing competition featuring a cappella groups. I know, I know. But here’s the thing: they sing current songs and they are amazingly talented! I call as my first witness…Urban Method.

Did you watch the whole clip? Don’t bug out early because the set makes you feel a tad queasy. Go back and watch it all the way through. Yeah, see? Now, I know the show is hosted by Nick Lachey. And I offer nothing in defense of him. I’m not sure there is any defense for him (sorry, Nick). The good news is I think someone has recently stopped letting him write his own material, which was rigid and uncomfortable. If you can get beyond Nick though, I’ll call my second witness: Ben Folds.

Ben is just a cool cat. Always has been. Comfortable in his own skin. He knows he bravely walks a fine line between hipster doofus and musical genius/nerd. In my mind, he gives the show immediate cred from a technical standpoint.

My third witness is Sara Bareilles. Do I really need to say anything here? Instant cred as far as relevancy to today’s music industry. And she sang in an a cappella group in college (who knew?). Okay, another mini-confession: I’m crushing on her a little. That’s all I’ll say about that.

My fourth and final witness is Shawn Stockman. He just plain knows his shit and brings a vocal talent cred to the show. He’s honest but respectful. He really is the perfect complement to the other two judges.

I would call the rest of the groups as witnesses but some of them wear outfits that simply wouldn’t help my cause. Not to mention, this post is getting ridiculously long, especially considering the subject.

So, that’s my case. A little flimsy, but it’s there. I know The Sing-Off has this veneer that’s shiny and off-putting. But at the core, it is really about some very talented people being judged by some very talented people. And then there’s Nick (sorry, Nick). The defense rests.